All i want, simply put, it to FEEL love. To feel the need to celebrate it. To find myself writing love quotes or absent mindedly smiling. I want to feel special.
I wiSh i could be one of those youngsters old people look at and say "you think THIS is love? Oh my dear, its only the beginning"
But i dont.
In all honesty, this feels more like a good friendship with great benefits than true love.

And you know what the worst is? He has forgotten how to make me laugh.
And i feel little inclination to try make him smile.
And then there is the fact i have lost confidence in him. Not its all talk to me. I fail to see how he will make much of himself. Maybe he will do as i hope and surprise me, but if he does, ill never be able to say i had expected him to make it. Cos i dont. Iv told him ill stand by him and try push him. But it feels like a lie. How can i mean it when all i see is someone who just takes for granted and throws away. Like ryan, if things arent his way, he wont even try.
I miss anthony. His steadiness. His determination. He was never fickle, but solid.

I dont want to be the prize, i want to have the prize. I want the one with me to be ve envy of others, not have them thankfully sigh theyre in my place.
And oh, how he irritates me. Everyone, really. Its as if he goes out of his way to be a pain. He is rude and loud and embarrassingly impolite and childish.
I want to say he has changed, but now, thinking about things he has said about his past, and judging by what i know, this isnt the phase. The person i saw and wanted before, he was.
Cruel and harsh and probably unfair, i know. But i feel so let down. Betrayed almost. I honestly cant say i know why i didnt let things go the other night. I guess it just doesnt feel done yet. Its not meant to be the end. But will it ever come?
I think about Josh, as i have done almost everyday. And i wonder... What if.
I knew there was something there. Just like i knew with all the others worth remembering. But instead i excused myself and went home to hours of long monotonts fighting on skype.
What if?...
But thats lost now. Perhaps i havent called it quits cos i highly doubt meeting anyone here. That and i dont want to be alone (henk and steyn will have to choose him. Henk might stay, but will probably make things too awkward to see him alone anyway)
No... Those are elements yes. But not the reason. I must still love him, and i know im very attached. And i cant imagine a world without him. Maybe if i believed he could be a friend like david. But i know thats not possible, in any reality. If this does, it will go the way the last one did. If i really really reeeelly needed him, maybe hed care enough to be there. But otherwise, not. And how can i blame him. Hed always hate me on some level for not fighting on. I know him, his feelings run too deep and he takes the world too personally to forgive me. He has cut so many people out, willfully alienated himself from so many, that is shouldnt be too hard for him. But im not ready for that. I feel im worth more than that, damnit.
More than this?
You know, i dont give a rats ass about money spent on me or even sickly sweet messages. All i want is effort, thoughtfulness.
Perhaps it was all an illusion before, but i dont care. Im sick to death of trying, being rewarded with soppy i love yous and wanting to scream "so what? Make ME love YOU. Give ME a reason to be besotted for a change. Woo ME. Adore ME. Make me FEEL like the only girl in the world. Piss off you child who needs affection and comforting. Be the young man you are. Protect me, want me, desire me, hold me, lead me, guide me, make me adore you, worship you, desire you, be proud of you, boastful even. Be you. The great you. The you who isnt upset when i dont say i love you but rejoices when i show it. Please, undertand that its possible to have a soft heart but a strong backbone; that you shouldnt be hard on the inside and soft on the outside, but soft on the inside and strong outside."
Thinking these things makes me feel so guilty. Am i not accepting u for who u are?
I dont know... I do know though, that i disliked, to a large extent, the person i met. But i came to value the person he became... Was becoming.
I dont know. Hes had more chances... Big ones... Than is fair. But im giving his character one last chance to redeem itself. I cant put a time stamp to it, but i think ill know when the time has come to assess.
Either way, ill lose...
Lets just hope that whatever the outcome, the loss will be bearable, and that whatever i gain will outweigh it.